I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Who died my cat blue again?
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