oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
