ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
