Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
