Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
