yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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