I accidentally had phone sex last night
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
