remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
