The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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