one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I just blew my weed a kiss
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
