I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
