I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
