Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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