just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
