Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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