Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
