We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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