Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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