apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
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