my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
