i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
