Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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