I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
