Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
