How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
