i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
