speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
