Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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