So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
