life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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