it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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