Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
