Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
