two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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