oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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