I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
