Hey man sorry I got all grabby
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
