mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
