Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
