Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
being pregnant is like rehab
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
