I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
