You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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