meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
