The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
