You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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