genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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