My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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