SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
