God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
