Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
