Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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